


Delivered

by HEA_andallthelike



Series: To be Tortured. To Heal. To be Free [3]
Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Anger Management, Depression, F/M, Guilt, Healing, New Beginnings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-07-18 02:03:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7295038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HEA_andallthelike/pseuds/HEA_andallthelike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She thought she had done the right thing. She had tried to give him a chance to live in a world where his own mind wasn't able to hold him hostage to the memories of what he had gone through- of what they had gone through. He isn't thanking her for it, he is angry. She thinks it might all be better if she just slips away......</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shhh... Don't speak

**Author's Note:**

> The last section...
> 
> You probably need to read the other parts for this to make sense.... Yea, you definitely do ☺️
> 
> I really loved writing all of this, I only hope some have enjoyed reading it as well! Everlarker til the end!

Peeta's coming home.

I somehow managed to retreat to my room. The wave of panic I felt has abated, and now I'm left with an emptiness that's all to familiar. I slowly lay myself down, I'm unsure that my body is capable of any movement. My head rests on the too thin, scratchy pillow, and I wait.

I don't know what I am waiting for, I just know it's coming soon.

I wrinkle my nose as I focus on the ceiling above me. It's dirty, stained. How did Haymitch manage that, I wonder. What would someone have to physically do to be able to shmuck up a ceiling like that. I make a mental note to ask him sometime in the near future. 

I take a few deep breaths. His face keeps flashing across the backs of my eyelids and I keep willing myself to ignore it, to focus on the dirty ceiling, but I've never been able to ignore Peeta Mellark. Every interaction between us had been monumental and life saving- from the very beginning. I realized a long time ago that Peeta was my life source. It was Peeta who saved me all of those years ago. Before I ever met Gale in the forest, before I shot down my first squirrel without my dad, before I realized I could save my family; Peeta had saved me first. It was prophetic- in its own sad way.

I replay the execution over and over again. Peeta, the Peeta I knew, wasn't vengeful and was never malicious. He was angry, absolutely, and demanded better from humanity; but he was never guided by hatred the way that I was. His pursuit in this life was fueled by something much more noble- equality, hope, and peace. It's these things that make it impossible to reconcile the image I saw of him just moments ago. A man shaking with rage, a man who chose to let a person suffer instead of ending it quickly and mercifully. I'm not for one second saying that Snow deserved mercy, and I probably would have shot him in the kneecaps for good measure, but that is what people would expect of me anyway. That's why it hurts to see Peeta that way. He was always too good to be like me. 

I start thinking of how fucking infuriating it is to know that someone higher up deemed it acceptable for all of that to happen. They don't give a rats ass about Peeta, and the emotional toll it will take on him. They just thought it would make for good tv- good propaganda. Paylor better get her shit together. She should have watched out for himbetter.

I should have watched out for him better.

I throw my arm over my eyes and cover my mouth as though I may scream. The admission now unleashed and can never again be unacknowledged. I left Peeta in 13 by himself. I spent so much time trying not to self destruct, that I just left - up and abandoned him. I never called to talk to him, or at least ask how he was doing. Why wouldn't I have at least done that? Peeta would never have let me go so easily. I can't blame others for not doing the things I have also not done. 

I try to hold my breath, but a soft sob escapes my lips. The images of Peeta suffering haunt me every night. When I think of Peeta, I think of all the things that happened to him while I had to watch. I think of all the things that happened to me.... and I think how blessed Peeta was to not have to carry that burden. I'm jealous of him, and seeing him was too hard on my heart and soul. That makes me a disgusting individual, I know. Too many emotions made it impossible to function. I didn't want to deal with it anymore, I didn't want to remember; so I tried to live without thinking of Peeta so I could numb myself into believing things, horrible things, didn't happen. So I didn't call, I didn't check in. I pretended I was just another normal girl trying to love a life after war. I couldn't control my thoughts at night though, and my nightmares always involved his beautiful face, and his blood, and his tears. Those dreams shocked me back... And instead of dealing, I just pretended the nightmares weren't real, that they never really happened. I can't pretend anymore.

The phone rings downstairs and I listen as Haymitch answers, growling a greeting to the person on the other end of the line. I don't know who it is, but I know they're looking for me. 

"Katniss!!!!" 

I sigh to myself. I try to steady my shaking hands as I wipe the tears from my face. I can't stay frozen here forever, no matter how I may want to. I need to hear why Peeta was the one to pull the trigger.

I lazily prop myself up and roll off the rickety old bed. I've been lying here all of thirty minutes and my body feels inexplicably stiff. I try to shake myself out of it, but after a few failed attempts to loosen up, I resignedly trudge back downstairs. Haymitch glances at me and nods to the phone. His eyes are dark, and he takes a huge swig of the bottle in front of him. Nasty.

I bring the receiver up to me ear, and sarcastically smile to myself as I fake a happy sing song greeting, "Hello."

"Kat?" Finnick's voice is soft, and I hear the concern in it. Of course he would be the first to get a hold of me. 

"Yea, Finnick," I mutter, squeezing the bridge of my nose, my eyes closed. "I dont suppose you'll know why Peeta was tasked with the execution of Snow do you? Because if not, then there is really nothing more I can talk about right now." I don't mean to sound so angry, it's not Finnick's fault, but I can't keep the fury out of my voice.

"I do." 

Huh. Didn't expect that answer at all. I've become accustomed to having to drag the truth out of people who should have been honest with me from the get go. It throws me a bit, and I don't respond immediately, but Finnick carries on.

"Things got bad Katniss. I tried, I really did. Even at the expense of being there for Annie sometimes," he starts, and his voice hitches as he mentions Annie's name. "He couldn't take it. Everyone just stared at him all of the time, people kept asking him about you, about the rescue, about..... about seeing him on video while he was a POW." 

At that I drop in the chair closest to me. What the fuck is wrong with people!!??!! Why would anyone approach Peeta, after all he has been through, and ask for the play by play of his TORTURE! Damnit I should have been there, I should have saved him from that. Finnick lets me digest what I've just learned, and after a few moments he goes on, and for about the millionth time this year my heart is in my throat.

"He reversed it Katniss. He reversed the affects of the torture. He wouldn't listen to me. He reversed the amnesia..... He remembers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter, but I think we needed to walk into the shallow end first for the beginning of this section. I sincerely hope you guys will like what's coming! 
> 
> Always love the comments and critiques too!!


	2. Floodgates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peeta remembers- that doesn't mean that Katniss wants to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNINGS HERE! Please don't read if non-con story lines bring you to a bad place. I am so so sorry for it, but I didn't see a way around it.

I stare at the hole in the wall in front of me. Haymitch had put it there a few weeks after we got back. I'm not sure what the exact reason why is, but it didn't surprise me then; just like this doesn't surprise me now.

In my heart, way deep down in there somewhere, I knew Peeta would eventually choose to remember. I didn't _want_ him to know- ever- but I always questioned how long this gift of amnesia could last. He  _had_ to have wondered why Coin would trade him off to Snow, and why Snow wanted him so badly. I saw as much in his eyes when our final battle had went down. The whole ride back to thirteen I felt how his eyes never left me, even when others tried to speak with him. I had looked up at him once, just once, and the look on his face, the intensity of his eyes that were wide open and nearly crazed, caused my breath to hitch and my heart to pound. He looked at me as though only I could answer the question of his life; that I was the piece to the puzzle he was desperate to have. I didn't look at him again until he approached me at the brook.

"Katniss, are you okay?"

Ive ignored Finnick for a few minutes as memories of the past, and questions of the future, flooded my mind. 

"Yea, Fin," I start shakily, "it was going to happen. I think I knew that eventually he would do that."

"Just know I tried," he mumbles, and if I could see him right now, I know Finnick would look exhausted; trying to convince Peeta to leave himself well enough alone could not have been easy.

"It was this one older man," he continues. "He kept staring at him in the cafeteria. You could tell it had bothered Peeta, and then one day the man sat down next to him. After like a minute, or something like that, he started talking about his wife. It started off as a sweet story, ya know? Bout how much he loves her, how she loved him back. He talked about when they got married, the kids they had, all that crap. Then he got quiet, and I think we all just thought this guy needed to share his story because he was lonely. Then he talked about how she died. It was the bombs over 7 that killed her." Finnick pauses here and I can hear him take a few deep breaths. "We offered our condolences and thought that was the end, but then he turned to Peeta and told him how when you love someone as much as he did you don't know how to live without them. He told him that he saw how much love Peeta had for you, and how much you loved him. He said it made his love for his wife stronger, that watching you two in the games reminded him and his wife that it was love that could get you through anything. And yadda yadda yadda- more sappy shit ect," he finishes.

I appreciate him trying to lighten the moment with his choice of closing words, but it's too little too late. My head is pounding with fear and frustration, and the tears are silently streaming down my face without my permission. This mans story, this old widowed mans heart, reminds me again that the entire world saw what I could not; that I had loved Peeta all along. Why did Peeta want to remember all of this! I wish I could forget about everything I ever loved, because it reminds me of everything I've lost. I don't want to remember any of it.

"He looked at all of us after that, and he was so...." he trails off, trying to find the right words, "so lost, Katniss. That's the only way to describe it. For months he has been listening to people talk about things he knows nothing about, but involve him at every turn of the page. He hears his name, and yours inevitably followed. So for someone like him, who apparently had always dreamed of having your names linked together, he just couldn't stand not knowing anymore."

"But Finnick," I groan, "he looked so angry, so unlike himself- even after the games, after the quell, he was NEVER like that!! Why did he shoot Snow damnit! Who decided that for him!"

"He did. After he remembered things, he just- he just never could let that anger go. He would just rock back and forth, talking about things..... Things that happened to you both. He lost control after that."

The sob that emanates from me is terrifying. I don't want that to be true. I so so badly don't want that to be true. I don't want Peeta being someone he is not. I need him to be whole- he needs to be whole because I know I cannot. My heart is breaking, I can actually feel it in my chest, ripping to pieces. Please, please.... someone tell me that Peeta can exist in this new world the way he was before. It was the one thing I had left to fight for... the one thing I needed to believe.... I start hyperventilating now- its too much! The floodgates I tried to cement shut are opening, and images start assaulting me from every direction and I'm powerless to stop it.

I hear Peeta's screams. I'm naked in a room, and these monsters are on top of me. They're monsters, and they won't let me up. They keep grabbing at me and no matter how hard I try to push them away, their claws sink into my skin and hold me in place. I try to stay strong, I can't break. I can't show them I'm breaking. A fist connects with my face, and I cry out from the pain of it. I'm dizzy, so so dizzy. Two men grab my legs and hold them apart. Another punch, this time to my stomach and my breath leaves me, and a part of me wishes it would never come back. Another intrusion, this one so much more painful the rest, and in that moment I'm forever tainted. Forever dirty. Peeta screams out over and over again, and Im glad I can't  see his face. I wish he couldn't see me like this, being used like this, being ruined like this. I wish I could at least pretend that I was somewhere in the world with him. Anywhere but here, but every blow my body receives, every grunt and nasty word whispered in my ear, ties me to here and now. I want to apologize to him, this is my fault..... all my fault. I'm slapped across my right cheek as the monster vacates my body. The others throw me to the side, and before it all goes dark I look up and Prims corpse is there in front of me. She opens her terrible mouth, and the hissed words "Murderer... Katniss, murderer," are the last things I hear.

"Katniss, Katniss sweetheart, wake up girl."

I slowly open my eyes, the room is dark save for one candle that burns to my right. I feel something cold on my head, and recognize the feeling of water running down my face. I inhale sharply as I see something move out of the corner of my eye, and I panic in anticipation of the blow I'm sure to receive, but it doesn't come. I breathe more rapidly, and then rough calloused hands envelope mine. 

"Shhh, shhhh it's alright girly, we're here." 

I recognize that voice. Sae. That's Sae's voice. I feel the rag across my forehead again, and look to my left and see Haymitch. He's here... Where is here...

_My name is Katniss Everdeen._

_I am 18 years old._

_I was in the Hunger Games._

_I won, but it started a rebellion._

_Practically everyone died._

_Prim died. Peeta's alive._

_Peeta remembers.... He remembers_

I remember. I'm at Haymitch's house. The war is over. Peeta's coming home, and I am broken.

I try to sit up, but my body votes against my mind, and instead I melt back down into the bed. I press the palms of my hands to my eyes and take a few breathes to steady myself. 

"How bad was it?" I ask. There's a moment where I think no one will answer me, and then Haymitch clears his throat. 

"It was bad. Worst one in over a month."

I nod to myself. These... Flashbacks... They're so hard to stop once they start. These are the reasons why I can't remember, or at least why I don't want to remember. 

"Finnick?" I ask.

"He is worried. He heard it through the phone. Wants you to call him when you can."

An uncomfortable and heavy silence fills the room. We all know what I'm going to ask next, and I think all three of us are dreading it.

"Peeta," I whisper.

My old mentor takes a deep breath before answering. "Two days sweetheart. He will be here in two days."

Two days. I know what I have to do.

I won't be the reason that Peeta suffers through memories he should have never had returned. I won't be the constant reminder of the things he went through. I won't ruin his life anymore. I can't hurt anyone else, I can't hurt him again. I need to leave.... I just need to slip away, and have it finally be over. It needs to be over.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next were, and are, hard to write. I wish I could just write smutty Peeta and Katniss and have it always be awesome and happy with rainbows and butterflies- but I can't separate their pain. It's too much a part of them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy..... here we go

It's starting to get cold again. The air bites at you as it blows. I still don't trust that I'm not breathing in the remains of the people of 12, so I cover my mouth and keep walking. There are a few stops I really need to make today. 

The town is almost unrecognizable from what it was when Haymitch and I first came home. The destruction has been cleared away, the half broken down buildings removed, and the air doesn't smell of sulfur and flesh. I haven't been here in a long time, but I realize the world didn't stop during my self imposed isolation, and I'm happy for it. There's one building thats fully functioning, and within in the makeshift hospital, food market, clothing shop, and home supply store are flourishing. Haymitch has had to get fancier stitches than I could manage at the hospital before, and when he came back he threw a pamphlet about substance abuse and veterans on the floor and emptied an almost full glass of white liquor. He said they didn't understand he wasn't a veteran, he was a victor, and there was no cure for that. Bleak? Yes, absolutely. True? Yes, absolutely.

I stop first at the bakery. The sign with the Mellark's name is gone, as is the original building. In fact, the entire space is unrecognizable, but I know I'm in the right place. I stare at the workers who are busy inside, rebuilding and refinishing it into something new. The old bakery is only in our memories now. I walk around back and rest my back along the new rock wall. Closing my eyes and taking a breath, I say my goodbye to this place- Peeta's home, and the place of my new beginning. I had originally thought I'd be alone here, but again I had no idea the whole world wasn't always behind closed doors every day like myself, so these workers surprised me.

I start to walk down the road that will take me to the place I'm dreading the most. The seam. I don't know where, when, or how my mom and Prim died, and though the odds are they didn't die in the seam, every time I imagine how it ended for them it was there. In the house we shared with my dad. 

It's all gone. There aren't even ruins that could prove that people ever lived here. It's just a vast, burned out crater in the Earth. I knew there wouldn't be anything left for me to say goodbye to here, but I needed to come anyway. Unlike the town, there is no one here. No one is rebuilding the seam, and maybe that's as it should be, who knows. 

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "Prim I'm so so sorry. Mom, dad, I'm sorry too." 

The people who lived here never stood a chance. During 'peace' or war, the odds were never in their favor. 

These people, my people, knew suffering. The were well versed in the languages of starvation and poverty. We lived practically on top of each other, yet had no true relationships- not because they weren't wanted, it just had to be that way. How could anyone find the will to survive if they were affected by every awful thing that happened here? How could a person carry on day to day if they had loved every person who blew up in a mine? Or every skeletal body that had dropped dead in the street? No, no.... we couldn't feel things towards anyone but our families. We just couldn't afford it. 

Prim. Only she was able to connect with just about anybody from our community. Only that beautiful little girl could inspire us to let go of our facade of indifference. She brought joy to this place, a reminder that innocence still remained in a world where everything and everyone seemed guilty. That's gone. She's gone. I killed her.

"I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, so I'm not asking for it," I say, my voice scratchy and completely devoid of any spark people once said they saw and heard in me. "I wanted to keep you safe Prim. It's all I wanted- to let you have a life. I- I took it away instead. I'm so sorry. Something's just.... wrong, in me. I've ruined everything. I never wanted this, any of it, and I couldn't stop it, I'm so sorry. I love you," my voice gets softer, "I love all of you." 

I turn and run away. I want to stop and take another look, but I'm tired of crying and I'm already on the verge, so I just keep running back to Haymitch's. 

He is on his porch, drinking of course, but he looks clean. His hair is damp, and he's actually wearing new clothes. Thank God for Sae, I think to myself. She pushes that man to do things nobody else could get him to do, including hygienic practices. 

"Hey old man," I say jokingly, out of breath with a small smile on my lips. I can't help it, seeing Haymitch take care of himself does my soul good.

"Hey," he replies dryly, then dives right in. "This isn't going to work Katniss, you know that this plan of yours is screwed." 

Ugh. He needs to shut up about this.

"Haymitch good god, spare me, okay? I don't know that it won't work, so I gotta go to see if it will," I grumble at him, my hands running through my now short hair. The damage to it was irreparable, so it had to go. I sometimes still reach for a braid that's no longer there.

I open the door and walk in, and stop dead in my tracks. Bright blue eyes stare fiercely deep into my gray ones.

"By the way Sweetheart," Haymitch says from his seat outside. "Peeta came home a day early." 

Damnit.

________________________________

 

"Katniss..." He whispers.

I back myself into the doorway, looking for an escape, but Haymitch blocks my way. I look into his old eyes, silently begging him to move, to let me run. He replies with a scowl and averts his eyes away from mine. I'm furious. I push at him, trying to force him away, but he doesn't budge. I push again, and again, and again. Desperately trying to get through that door, but my old friend has barricaded himself within the door frame. I cry out, "Please! Please Haymitch... Please don't do this..." He doesn't move, but he catches me when I collapse against him. He struggles to keep me upright, because I truly can't decide whether I should keep trying to run, or if I should collapse right here and now.

"Peeta, you said you weren't going to leave until you saw her, well here she is," I hear him say, as I try to make myself invisible. "I told you this would happen." My stomach feels a pit drop, and I'm so ashamed. Haymitch knew I'd react like a coward. It emboldens me to be better, so I take a few breaths and slowly move away from him. I'm looking at the floor, shaking. I can't look into Peeta's eyes again, those eyes that remember all the evil they witnessed. The eyes that remember how badly I was broken. 

"Kat... Katniss.." He whispers again, and on the second attempt of my name, his voice breaks and the sob that comes afterwards sounds so heartbreakingly sad and desperate that I'm jolted out of my own panicked stupor. The protectiveness that I had felt for Peeta rushes to the surface, and my hesitation to even look at him is gone. In an instant I'm directly before him with my hands on his shoulders trying to save him from his pain.

He drops his head, and quickly falls to his knees. I'd have dropped in an instant with him, but he wrapped himself around my legs, with his head resting on my thighs, pinning himself so tightly against me that I couldn't move if I tried. He keeps me wrapped firmly in this embrace, as if he is terrified I may disappear. His sobs are coming from a place in his soul so damaged, and my heart can't handle the torment - I know what that pain is. I lived it with him. My hands stay on his shoulders while I cry with him, and Haymitch has come over and knelt over my boy with the bread, enveloping him in his arms, wordlessly telling him that he is safe; that he's with family. We stay that way, our tears landing on one another for what feels like hours, but the sadness will not be mitigated. 

Peeta's cries only briefly soften when Haymitch says, "Youre here Peeta, you're home. We're with you." 


	4. Who wants to start?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please forgive me :( I'm so beyond grateful people want to see how this story finishes, and i know exactly how it will. My Family is going through coping with a difficult diagnosis. Not in any way life threatening, just life altering. I totally believe everything will work out, but I'm a super emotional person, and it took me some time to deal. I hope this chapter is welcomed! It's not happy, and almost painful, but there will be more

I can't sit still. I am fidgeting with everything; a loose thread on the pillow I'm holding, the end of my shirt, my fingernails. If someone doesn't start talking I'm gonna do something horrifying like laugh hysterically. 

It was Peeta who ended our awkward embrace. It was as if he'd been burned, that's how quickly he jumped back from me and fell back on the couch. Haymitch went to sit next to him, but Peeta flinched so dramatically that he instead sat across from him. I just stood there, in the middle of the room, like an idiot, for somewhere in the ballpark of five minutes. 

I couldnt, and still can't, believe this is reality right now. I was supposed to be gone before he got home. I was never supposed to see him, never supposed to let him see me. I finally shuffled my feet backwards awkwardly, and sat down in the chair next to Haymitch's, but I'm still waiting for someone to say something. Peeta hasn't looked up at me again, and his tears stopped so abruptly, and were replaced by this indifferent glare that has me uneasy. His eyes are devoid of all of the feelings he showed only moments ago. He seems almost angry he let himself get emotional. It's pretty clear he didn't plan things to go that way. 

I understand that however, because I'm pretty shocked by my reaction too. I was so quick to rush to him, even though I was so determined to leave him. I was so convinced I could never look into his face again, knowing what he knew. The second I heard his voice falter, the moment I thought he was in need, I ran to him. Damn you Peeta Mellark, I think to myself. No matter what my head decides to do, my heart just can't leave him. Even now, when I glance up at him, I feel this.... thing... somewhere inside me that has me all confused. I want to run to him, to have him hold me, but... I'm broken. He's broken too, because of me.

My mind starts to go to a bad place, remembering The damage I've caused him before, and how others hurt him because of me. I dig my fingernails into my legs so deeply, I actually gasp. Haymitch eyes me cautiously, he knows the warning signs. I'm rapidly descending into panic. Haymitch starts taking loud deep breaths himself, and I know he is doing that for my benefit; wordlessly reminding me of the steps I need to take to keep myself here in our reality. I close my eyes and work on my shaky, ragged breathing. After a few minutes, they're even and strong, my thoughts clear up and I go through my list-

_I am Katniss Everdeen_

_I am alive_

_The war is over_

_Peeta is home_

I open my eyes again. I feel calmer, more secure. I look to Haymitch who nods his approval, and I gratefully nod back. I look to Peeta and my eyes go wide at the look he is giving me- it's pure unadulterated anger. He is so SO angry. I shift uncomfortably and I stammer as I try to think of something to say, but no words seem to come to me- Peeta clearly doesn't have the same problem.

"So is this what you two do? Help each other through the days? Support each other through the flashbacks, through the panic?" He asks, and his voice is ice cold, accusing, and devoid of any love we showed one another just minutes ago.

I sit there, my mouth open, eyes wide. I don't know how to answer that question, because there are more unspoken questions mixed in with it. He leans forward and I lean back. He wrinkles his nose at me, as if insulted, but I know what's about to happen. Peeta didn't come home to be with us- he came home to interrogate us.

His face gets deadly serious, and his eyes lock onto mine. So much for those breathing exercises, because I'm practically breathless now with fearful anticipation.

"Katniss," he starts, "I don't know how you could do that to me. Left me. Left me blind, deaf, and dumb to everything." I choke back a sob, I'm never going to get through this afternoon alive. 

"Peeta," Haymitch interjects.

"NO DON'T!" Peeta screams. He stands up as his whole body shakes with his anger, he grasps fistfuls of his hair and pulls hard as if the pain of it may tether him to the earth. I'm barely breathing now.

"Don't you ever think your words hold ANY OUNCE of value to me anymore Haymitch! Never- never EVER again. You liar! Everything you ever fucking told me.... _Lies."_ He hisses that last word, and it reminds me of Prim in my nightmares. 

Haymitch sits there, unmoving, and he doesn't challenge Peeta's words. He knows he truth in the accusation, and for once, he has the decency to look ashamed of himself. He nods his head so minutely one might miss it if they weren't paying one hundred percent of their attention on the situation at hand.

"I came to you," Peeta continues, "desperate for the truth. You gave me barely a fraction you bastard." Haymitch drops his head in complete resignation.

"And you Katniss," he whispers. Tears start to well up in my eyes, I already know the damage I've done, but to hear it from Peeta's own mouth might kill me.

"What was it.... what was it," he stops as his voice cracks and in that moment he looks so painfully innocent that my soul aches.

"What was it about me, that made you feel I wasn't worthy of the truth?" He finishes, barely able to get the words out. The tears start falling down his face, and I feel as though I've been punched a hundred times in the stomach. I NEVER expected those words from him. I am stunned. My mouth barely hanging open, and my eyes clearly showing the confusion I feel. I'm not sure if I'm even breathing. 

"No.. No Peeta," I try to begin, but he won't have any of it.

"Yes!!! Yes, Katniss. I," he hiccups through his sobs, "I would have stayed with you... I would have been the one to help you through everything and anything. You... You robbed me of that. You took away my opportunity to grieve with who I thought was my only family left. You took away my chance to get closure. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH YOU! I should have captured Snow with you. But instead I was used again by another fucking piece of shit, Coin, and I was completely ignorant to everything that was going on. I was... I AM... pathetic. Everyone... EVERYONE else knew the truth. But you left me to walk around like an idiot, alone. P-p-poor dumb stupid Peeta... he isn't strong enough to handle anything right? You two were always smarter and stronger than me... RIGHT?" He can barely breath through his tears.

I watch as the tears stream down his face. His cheeks are red, his eyes are too, and his jaw is clenched tight. I'm trying to work out an answer for him, something to ease his mind, but I have nothing. There are so many things that peeta should rightfully be mad about, but being upset that I took away the opportunity for him to help me heal isn't one I had anticipated. Where did this boy come from? I'm looking into the eyes of a soul that was tortured, practically murdered, and he is upset that HE couldn't help ME. I am frozen in my confusion. Of course Peeta would feel this way, he has always put me first, so why does it surprise me now? I kept telling myself I was protecting him, but i was protecting myself. I didn't want Peeta to remember the pain of what happened to him, of course, but I also didn't want him to remember what happened to me. I couldn't stand it if Peeta looked at my as a victim, instead of the survivor he had always considered me. So I took the easy way out. The result? Peeta thinks I believe he is less than what he really is.

I surprise myself when I start crawling to him, but I can't keep myself from him. His eyes snap back to reality when he sees what I'm doing, and he looks frozen and his eyes dart from side to side as though he is contemplating what he should do next. I get to him before he has a chance to decide to move away. I wrap my arms around his waist and lay my head on his chest. His breathing is coming in short gasps, and his body is tense, but I won't move away, he needs to understand. 

"Peeta," I whisper, "You're the best on of us." I hear him snort in reply and I wrap my arms tighter as I double down. "No, Peeta! It's true- you always were the best of us. A part of my humanity I thought I lost came back because of you. I just couldn't," my voice breaks, and I try to gather my strength because this parts important. "I just couldn't give you back those memories. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't think of it in terms of truth, I just couldn't willingly hand over to you the memories of... of what happened," I'm struggling through this. "Maybe I don't deserve to ask you to believe this, but honest to fucking God Peeta," I sit up and look at him now, "I would have given anything to not remember any of this. I thought you were being given a chance i would have killed for."

Peeta is silent, and I'm starting to feel like an idiot just sitting on my knees in front of him. I'm studying his face, trying to read eyes that refuse to look into mine. There are dark circles there, and his skin has a tinge of gray to it. His body looks healthier, there is a lot more bulk to him, but that seems unimportant when eyes that used to shine with hope have gone dead. I slowly sit back on my heels, and then stand and move back from him altogether. His body is so tense, and i got the feeling that my closeness to him was anything but comforting. 

"Peeta, we had the option of giving you every nightmarish piece of fucked up reality, or a chance to live in a slightly less fucked up present. There was only barely over a years worth of time that you didn't remember. You woulda done the same thing.... and you fucking know it," Haymitch finishes. I slowly sit back down in the chair i was in before. I keep my eyes down, because I'm unsure of how Peeta will react to that. I know I NEVER react well when I think Haymitch is being patronizing. A few uncomfortable moments pass before anyone speaks. 

"Well I'm glad you think so Haymitch. If that's what you need to tell yourself to make yourself feel better," Peeta starts. His voice is calm and measured, and for some reason a pit settles in the bottom of my stomach. "Now let me tell you something," he leans forward on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees with his chin down. His eyes are up on us though, alert and searching. "Our victory tour, you kept your secrets. Before we went into the second games, you kept your _fucking secrets."_ I hold my breath as he hisses out those words. I remember of course, these secrets he refers to; Snow's threats, and Haymitch's deal with Plutarch. For all I've bitched about people not being truthful with me, I see how Peeta's had it worse. 

"Do you remember what i asked of you then," he continues, "Do you? For all of your excuses and your bull shit reasoning you seem to have forgotten promises that you BOTH made me. All i asked, _all I asked,_ was for your honesty."

I close my eyes tightly. Fuck. 

"If you both didn't think enough of me to do that, I guess it's something that I'll have to live with." 

I can hear him stand up, and when i open my eyes again he is by the door.

"We were a team. No matter what happened, I thought I had you two in my corner. It was one thing to be dismissed by the Capitol. Like they ever gave a fuck about anyone, right?" He asks without expecting an answer. "But to know that you guys have been here supporting each other, while you just left me to barely function.... i dont think there's any coming back from that." 

He looks at me now. I'm not sure what he expects me to look like in this moment. All I know is that i have nothing left to emotionally give. My eyes are dry,heavy lidded, and tired. I'm sure I look detached, but I'm just drained. 

"I was happy to see you though, Katniss," he whispers. "I wasn't... I wasn't sure how you'd be. I was worried. But, um, " he hesitates, and I feel as though another dagger is coming. "When you walked up, almost joking with Haymitch, it seems like youve started to heal. I see, now, you didn't need me to move on. It was, uhh, I guess it was just me who needed.. someone." He opens the door and starts walking out. As the door closes i hear him mumble, "Your hair looks pretty."

 

Yup. Dagger. Right through the heart.

 


	5. Stay with me

_Your hair looks pretty_

I keep hearing him say it. Of all the things he said while he was here, that is the one thing I cant stop focusing on. It was completely inconsequential compared to everything else that was said, but I know why I cant let it go. It was just so..... Peeta. The Peeta I remember, anyway. I almost think he didn't intend for me to hear it, like he was struggling with the fact that he even wanted to say it. He couldn't reconcile with himself why he would want to offer a compliment to this girl who has hurt him so badly.  I'm not sure if that should make me feel better or worse. I think I truly believed that if Peeta had his memories restored he would have understood why we made the choice that we did. I knew it would have hurt him, I thought maybe he would be angry for a while, but this? ' _I dont know if there is any coming back from that....'_ that's what he said; that's what he thinks. I sigh from somewhere deep inside, and rub the heels of my hands into my eyes hard, wishing I could erase everything they've seen.

Haymitch starts railing loudly about how he would have made the same choice if given another chance. I barely pay attention to him anymore when he gets like this. However insufferable he can be, it beats the alternative of being alone with my thoughts. I stand and join him at the kitchen table. He regards me cautiously, unsure if I'm about to lose it in general, or lose it on him specifically. He doesn't have to worry. I dont have any energy to lose it in any capacity. I take the nearly gone bottle of liquor and take a long swig. If I could just numb this a little.... 

______________________________________

 

I wake up on the couch early. The sun has only just started to dawn on the day. It's the wind that's woken me. It's blowing hard, and the screen door keeps slamming into the house. I hear Haymitch's shuffled footsteps as he comes down the stairs zombie like, and goes to the door. 

"Shit, fuck its cold out there!" He bellows as he swings the screen door shut and latches it. I feel the cold bite of the wind against my cheek and huddle down under the heavy blue blanket Sae got for me, thankful for the warmth it provides. Its that thought, as harmless as it may seem, that causes my heart to jump into my throat. What was warming Peeta?

"Haymitch," I start, "where do you think Peeta went last night?" He looks at me, and immediately I see He is having the same epiphany I am having. "God friggin damnit Haymith!!!! NO fucking wonder Peeta hates us so much! We let him leave here without even knowing if he had anywhere to go!!" Seriously I cannot think of two people who deserve Peeta less than us right now. 

"Calm down sweetheart. No trains left last night, he is absolutely in 12, and Peeta is not like us. Everyone LOVES him," he says, adding his sarcastic flair on the word 'loves'. "I'm sure he found somewhere to go."

That doesn't help me. I stare at my ridiculous mentor as though I could shoot an arrow at him right now and feel no worse for it. "We. Should. Have. Made. Sure," I pause after each word, making doubly sure I'm getting my point across. I jump up and run upstairs to get clothes and my jacket. I nearly trip running back downstairs and out the door, but I dont want to waste any more time. I HATE myself for not thinking about this last night, but I was too stunned to form any logical thought after he ran out of here yesterday. Peeta's house in the village was destroyed, and his home over the bakery was torn down; where could he have gone? There is no one, no one, here that he even knows anymore. At least no one that I can think of right now, and its just so cold out.

I'm just barely down the block when i hear Haymitch yell after me, "Thanks for waiting for me yah jackass!" I roll my eyes. 

I'm half jogging towards the town square, and my eyes are starting to water with the wind that feels ice cold blowing into them, but i dont stop. My heart is racing fast, and I'm unsure of whether that has to do with the fact that I'm running or that I'm absolutely terrified that we've somehow lost Peeta for good this time. 

I finally get to town, and hurriedly shove past a whole bunch of people without offering any apologies for it. I turn the corner and the new building where the old bakery once stood comes into view. I do a quick scan, but i do not see Peeta. I run closer and go around the entire outside of the building, but to no avail. He is not here. I start to panic and lean up against the wall to catch my breath before i head to the main building in town with all of it's makeshift stores. A particularly strong gust of wind comes around the corner, and i shield my face from it, my ears and cheeks have already gone numb. That's when i see it. By the front door, resting on the windowsill under an old brick, is a very, very small bouquet with three yellow flowers. The main store sells them for families to put out in remembrance of those they've lost. I walk up, but i dont disturb the display. They were put here by Peeta, I'm absolutely sure of it. He was here. I do another quick look around the area to see if maybe I've just missed him, but he must have been here a while ago. The flowers have already started to shrivel up. I run inside the building and ask the workers if they saw the man who left the flowers, and one woman speaks up. "Yes," she starts, "he left them early this morning. Poor guy, looked frozen. He didn't even have a coat." I dart out of there before I can even thank her for her time.

I start to go to the main building, my thought being that he HAD to have bought those flowers there, and they have extra beds for travelers, so maybe they know where he went.

Half an hour later, all I've learned is what I already knew. Peeta bought the flowers there, but no one has seen him since. You'd think people might have taken more notice of their old victor being back in town, but it seems that no one around the area has. I sit on a bench with my head in my hands, trying to map out what my next move should be, trying to think if he mentioned anything last night. He didn't say anything, did he? Then, this unhelpful tidbit comes back to the forefront of my mind. 

" _I dont know if there is any coming back from that."_ Why, WHY, do I have to remember that particular moment?? Ugh, I should have followed him out last night. Made him listen to me. I let him walk away. If the situation was reversed he would not have let me go. Oddly....that thought gives me comfort. I know its selfish, and that I took it for granted, but it is no small thing to have someone in your life that would always put your well being and happiness first. In all of my life, besides my father, Peeta was thee only person who did that for me. I should feel ashamed of how Ive treated him in return, but instead there's this small feeling of hope that is so foreign to me, i almost dont recognize it. Peeta said he was worried about me, even after everything that happened. He wanted to see me.  If Peeta came back at all, maybe, just maybe, he didn't hate me as much as I feel I deserve to be hated. Maybe, there is hope that he could want to stay with me. That we could get through all of this together. 

It's a strange thing for me, to hold on to hope even when the odds are against you. Ive never, EVER, been a hopeful person. The word itself almost sounds as ridiculous as its meaning. Peeta was always hopeful enough for the two of us. Maybe that's a way I can help him understand, by being hopeful for us now, after all that's happened. 

I so badly want to find him. IM realizing now just how much Ive tried to convince myself I didn't miss him all this time he has been in 13, that I was okay with the choices we made. The reality is I missed him every damn day. Needed him every damn day. Cried for him, much to my horror, every damn day. I tried to blame it on other things, but deep down I knew the truth. I kept it buried deep, not wanting to get my hopes up that one day he could come back. Well, now he is back, and I dont want to lose him again. I get up, and keep looking, with the hope that I will find him. 

 

________________________________

 

Nearly an hour and a half later, I get to the last spot I could think to look- the meadow- the tall grasses a bright yellow in color, a few fall flowers still standing tall despite the beginnings of winter moving in. I spin around myself and run my hands through my hair, trying to stand up right even though my lungs are on fire. I haven't moved that much for that amount of time in a long while. Ive become this recluse of a human, and this sudden physical activity has me paying for it. 

"Peeta? Peeta? Are you here?" I shout. I wonder if anyone could even hear me over the wind. I must look like an idiot. I walk through the grass, and I take a moment to note how small the meadow looks, with half of it being blown up. I talked about this place all the time. I know Peeta has heard me talk about how it was my favorite place aside from the actual woods. It would be the dumbest place for him to go, with how cold it is, but when there is so little left of your home you go anywhere there is that exists that holds pieces of your past. This is where I went when I ran away too. I fall to my knees, like I did the last time I was here.

I sit there for a few more minutes. The memories come washing over me like an unwelcome wave, holding you down and forcing you to recognize its existence. It was not long after we first got back to 12, I came here when I was ready to say goodbye to it all. I laid in the field, thinking of Prim, Peeta, the arenas. It was too much. I had taken one of my arrows, and intended to use it to cut my wrists. To bleed out. I had seen a tribute do that in one of the games; desperate to end her life before someone else was forced to take it. I sit back on my heels, and I try to breath. I still dont know why I didn't go through with it. I just got up, and walked back home. That night I wrote a letter to Peeta, but I never sent it. 

A few deep breaths, and I open my eyes again. That was then, this is now. I'm not done here yet. For Prim, Peeta, my whole family. I owe it to them to live. I stand up, and turn to walk away. Peeta's not here. 

__________________________________

 

I make it back to the town, looking in every building that I pass along the way. People are surprised to see me. I stay away from them most times, so being among them, asking about the other victor from 12, has people interested. A few of them have offered to help me look. I just ask that they help him if they find him. 

a few stray tears fall down my face each time I leave another place without finding him. The guilt gets the better of me at times, and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I'm so sorry for everything. He wouldn't be there to hear it, but everyone in town would be, and lets face it I owe everyone a crap ton of apologies for all their suffering. I brought a lot of it on. 

Hours and hours have gone by, and I make it back to Haymitchs house. I slowly walk in, and see Haymitch sitting in the kitchen. I crumple my face in my hands; he didn't find him either. 

"Katniss," he mumbles as he makes his way to where I've now collapsed on the floor; my body finally giving out from the exertion of my search. "Katniss, I found him."

__________________________________

 

I look up at him so fast I go dizzy. I look around the room expecting to see Peeta emerge, and Haymitch reads my thoughts. 

"He isn't here."

"Where is he? Is he okay?"

"He is.... okay," Haymitch grunts as he sits down next to me. "He was at the old ruins of the school. He was just sitting there half frozen. I finally got him up, but he wouldn't come back here with me, so I took him to Sae's."

"He wouldn't come back here? Even in that state, he still wouldn't come back here? Haymitch," my voice hitches, "does he really hate us that much?" 

My old mentor runs his hand through my cropped hair, and cups my cheek. He has a hard look on his face, and it makes me want to take back the question. It's fucking stupid to ask questions you already know the horrible answer to. Before I can take it back, he answers. "No. No Katniss. He doesn't hate us. Well," he thinks better of it, "maybe he hates me, but he can join the fucking club. In fact ill bet he doesn't even hate me as much as others out there. Maybe he could be like secretary of the club," the old man rambles. "Naw, there's a whole boatload of people who could and should hate me more, in fact.."

"HAYMITCH!!" I scream. "I dont care about the I hate Haymitch club. I'm the president of that fucking club, I know how the club rules work!!" I'm surprised to hear him chuckle at that, but i suppose he knows I could never really hate him. "Why was he at the school?"

"Because of you sweetheart." He gets up and goes into the kitchen. I look at him expecting him to continue with that train of thought, but apparently that's too much to ask. I groan as i reluctantly follow him into the kitchen. He pours us both a tall glass of white liquor, and part of me thinks he really should stop encouraging this drinking habit I'm slowly starting. However as I take a huge gulp, I decide that will be a conversation for another day. 

"I think its one of the last places Peeta can remember you in from before the games that's still standing. It's one of the only places still semi standing anyway." He gulps back another quarter of his drink and Ill always be surprised he can drink that shit like water. I still wince and gag drinking this stuff. "Peeta only just got those memories back Katniss, he has so much to sort through. so much to deal with." I look at him sadly, because I hate that Peeta has to suffer in any way. Haymitch takes me shoulders and gives me a half hearted shake. I squirm away, I hate that reassuring human contact crap, and he laughs. "He doesn't hate you Katniss, he.... he is just hurt. Give him some time, and then I think you should go see him. He is gonna stay with Sae."

"How much time?" I ask. "Like a couple of days? Or could I go tomorrow?"

Haymitch laughs, "Oye, girl just give him a few days at least." He sees me scowl and he shakes his head, knowing that I dont like not deciding what IM going to do, or when I'm going to do it. "Sweetheart, for his sake, give him a few days."

I take another long sip of the nasty clear liquid, and look to the bottle it came from noticing its nearly empty.

 

"Can you get more of this then please?"

_________________________________________

 

A few days later, and I'm practically ready to jump out of my skin. He is literally right down the road, and I cant go see him!!! Sae came by the other day to let us know that he is doing okay, still working through a lot, but that he wasn't ready to see me. I'm having an awfully hard time being patient, Ive never been good at being patient ever, but for Peeta Ill try.

Ive been out hunting a couple of times, shockingly, trying to stock up on some things before the weather gets nay worse. We are out of salt, so I head to the market to pick some up. I notice Haymitch has been stinking to high heaven now that Sae has been busy watching over Peeta, so I make a mental note to pick up some soap for him too. Liquor!!! Damn I forgot I needed to pick up more of that too. I dont know if I'm more happy that I remembered, or disgusted that I'm happy I remembered. 

I make it halfway down our block when I notice something moving about 50 feet in front of me. I look up and I see blonde hair hanging down into crystal clear blue eyes. Even at this distance, Peeta's eyes are disarming.

His hands are in his pockets, and he shuffles his feet a bit, but he continues walking towards me. I'm stopped dead in my tracks. Ive wanted to see him, to talk to him, so badly; but my nerves are getting the better of me. I needed to plan this all out! Not see him by chance. I wanted to really have the perfect things to say, and now I'm too scared to say anything at all.

He keeps coming towards me, and then he stops, not even two feet in front of me. Just his presence takes my breath away, and damn it to hell I cant stop my eyes from already watering. It's just... its just that he is so close to me now. So close I could touch him, but Im too scared. I can hear his  breathing. Calm, measured. I'm not sure why he came, but I dont think I could take another verbal lashing, so I try to beat him to the punch.

"Peeta," I whisper, "I.. I know youve been at Sae's. I wanted to come and see you. But everyone said you needed more time."

He just looks at me, regarding me almost curiously. As if he is studying me for the first time. It makes me uncomfortable, so I shift around on my feet awkwardly. I clear my throat, "So, are you doing okay? Over at Sae's? I know she..."

"Did you mean what you said at the brook?" He interrupts me.

Wha? The brook? While we were in 2? He must see the confusion on my face, so he takes it upon himself to clear it up for me.

"In 2, do you remember? You were swimming, or something, and when I talked to you, you started crying. You asked me to leave, but I couldn't. I just couldn't leave you there when you looked so sad." He says, and his eyes are glassy as it he is reliving the moment. The tears have started to seriously well up in my eyes. I remember how worried he looked. I cant bring myself to answer him.

"Well I remember," he continues, "you kissed me. You kissed me Katniss, and you said everything was real for you." 

I'm fully crying now. I couldn't stop if you held a gun to my head. That moment broke my heart. 

"What was real for you?" He asks. "Why were you so sad?"

I'm not ready to answer this, but I'm terrified if I dont, I might not get another shot.

"How I felt about you," I say softly, "you never knew if it was real or if I was pretending for the games. But after our victory tour, I knew. It was all real. Everything i felt for you.. it.." I wipe mytears away with my sleeve, trying to get this out, "it was all real. I needed, I so badly needed you to know, even if you couldnt remember what I was talking about."  I start losing my breath, but there is more to say, "And I was so.. so sad Peeta, because I knew I was going to lose you. I was so sad, because we were going to have to say goodbye, and i just didn't want to, I didn't want to say.."

I dont get a chance to finish my thought. Peeta closed the gap between us in record time, and wrapped me in his arms. The feeling of his embrace broke the last bit of composure I had, and i melt into his arms crying inconsolably. 

"Katniss," he whispers into my hair, "Katniss.." I know there is nothing he needs to say, just my name. Reassuring him that I'm here, that this is real. His. I wrap my arms around his neck so tightly my muscles hurt, but I cant let go. This time I will not be the one to let go. 

 

 

 

 


	6. And now it begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For shannon17- may everyone have a reader as lovely as her. She has helped me keep my confidence, and helped me keep going!

_I need some time. I'm not mad, I promise. I just need to sort some things out before we really talk about everything that happened. I think you need that time too. Just to... think. But I want to see you. Please, can I still see you??_

 

It's been about a month now since Peeta talked to me outside Haymitchs house. At first, I didn't understand his request to hold off on having a true conversation between us. Peeta had always been the type to talk. Don't get me wrong, I was in no hurry to have that conversation either, but his reluctance caught me off guard. The minute he remembered the truth he came to 12; what for if not to have this conversation that had already been started? It took me a few days, but I started to understand. 

Peeta has been studying me. He doesn't know who Katniss "post trauma" really is, and likewise I dont know who he really is now either. The girl he was so comfortable talking to, she doesnt really exist anymore, so leave it to Peeta to make the rational choice to get to know me again. He makes mental notes about how I react to things. What triggers me, what do I laugh about, what do I cry about, how far will I let human contact go; that sort of thing. He is setting us up as best he can for when we ultimately do talk about what happened to us in the Capitol. He is seeing how far he can push me, and I'm seeing how far he wants to push me. I'm not upset, or even uncomfortable about it. For once, I am just trusting his instincts and ignoring mine. Weird doesn't even begin to describe it. 

Peeta, even after all he endured, is less skittish than I am. He doesnt pull away from people when they touch him, I dont know how he does it. His face was so sad when he noticed I didn't let anyone touch me for longer than a second or two. I dont like making Peeta sad, so I tried to let it go when a woman who knew my mother pulled me into a long hug when we ran into her in town.

"Oh Katniss," she said, "your mother was so proud of you. You could see it all over her face, even during her dark times." She squeezed me harder. I'm sure she meant it to be comforting, but I started to feel restricted, claustrophobic. My heart rate soared, and I began too sweat.

"Let go," I barely whispered. She must not have heard me, and the panic was set into full swing. "Damnit, let me GO!" I scream, and I shove her off of me. She stumbled, tripped over herself, and fell to the ground. She sat there frozen, her cheeks reddened with the embarrassment she felt; there were townspeople all around. I'm stuck between anger and regret. I knew she didn't mean any harm, and that she was well intentioned, but why didn't she let go?!

"I'm... I'm sorry," I stammer as I reach out my hand to help her up. She looks unsure if she wants to take it, and I dont blame her. Her eyes dart around to the people that surround us, curious to see how this all plays out. She reluctantly takes my hand, and i help bring her to her feet. We stare at each other for a moment or two, when I decide its just time to get home. I turn on my heels and head back to the Victors Village, trying not to notice everyone who is still looking at me. Peeta is about two paces behind me, and I'm glad I cant see his face while we walk back.

We put our parcels on the kitchen table. We were supposed to make a dinner that night with Sae and Haymitch, but I was sure that would be cancelled now. Surprisingly, Peeta steps in front of me and he has a small smile on his face, his eyes alight and hopeful. I grimace at him. 

"It's been a good day, " he says inexplicably, and my grimace has turned into a full on scowl.

"Peeta," I start, "I pushed a woman over today.... in front of people," I add, "I get times have changed, but I'm still fairly certain shoving an older woman to the ground is bad 'manners'," I say sarcastically with extra emphasis on 'manners' while doing my best Effie impersonation.

He laughs, and runs his hands through his thick blonde locks. He shakes his head as he grins at me, as if I'm missing something that's as plain as the nose on my face. 

"No, no I did notice that," he says with a trace of a chuckle still in his voice. He steps closer to me. So close, but still not touching. I know he is doing that for my benefit. His eyes are so close, and the tension in my body melts away. I feel safe even in his gaze. He takes a deep breath and whispers, "But then you helped her back up." His mouth turns up into a bright as day smile, he leans in, kisses my cheek, and then walks towards the door. "Ill see you tonight for dinner Katniss," he says as he turns back towards me once more before heading out. I cant seem to form any response for him because my fingers are tingling from touching the place Peeta's lips were on my face. Instead of the run of the mill fear or confusion I typically feel, I feel something warmer. I dont have a name for it, but I know I want more of it. Haymitch walks in and startles me back into reality. He eyes me curiously as I blush a deep crimson, and rush to put the food for tonight away before anything spoils. After clumsily knocking into the kitchen counter, and mistakingly putting cucumbers in the ice box, Haymitch couldn't help but ask, "What happened today? You ok?" 

"Yea," I smile at him. "I helped someone up today." Haymitch's nose crinkles up in confusion and I laugh. "It was a good day," I say, echoing Peeta's earlier words. I turn to head upstairs so I can shower for the night, and I notice Haymitch grabbing his bottle of numbness while muttering to himself, and my smile widens. It was a good day. 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

"What in God's name is that??" Haymitch asks, horrified by what he sees in front of him.

"It's a tree." Peeta deadpans. Haymitch glowers at him dramatically. 

"Thank fuck for you Peeta. It's a TREE. Who'd a thunk it?" Haymitch growls and heads into the kitchen. He isn't the only one who is confused, as I regard the small fir tree curiously. 

"Peeta," I tread lightly, "why DO you have a tree in the house?"

Peeta smiles as he looks up at me, and an all to familiar rush of warmth spreads from my head to my toes. I am finding that I am living for that smile these days. It's been a couple of months now, since Peeta came home, and I am fining myself settling into a routine of being with him every day. 

"I've been reading," he starts, struggling to get the tree into a secure position. "A long time ago, during this time of the year, people used to set up trees in homes. The celebrated holidays and shit like that, gave each other presents. I thought maybe this year, we could start a new old tradition. 

"A new old tradition?" I repeat at him. 

"Yes," he laughs. "A new old tradition." He comes up to me and runs his fingers through my now slightly longer hair. I lean into his hand. I cant help it. "I keep having this feeling Katniss. I just... I want to live. Really live. Do things.... with you," he finishes, and his voice falters as he adds in the last part, as if he is nervous that he has gone too far. He hasn't. It's shocking, even to me, but he hasn't gone too far. I feel the same. I want to live too, but it has to be with Peeta. 

"Besides," he continues with a satisfied smile on his face once he has taken in my positive reaction, "it gives me an excuse to give you a present."

I roll my eyes at him. "Peeetaaaa, i hate presents." Its true. There is only one present that I truly ever received that i actually loved. Every other time, I just felt forced to be thankful for something I didn't need. Not that I received a whole lot of presents growing up, but I did receive a crap ton of them as a victor. 

"Well maybe you will like this one?" He asks, his voice full of hope. I laugh. He is ever the optimist. 

He has brought with him these small battery lights that he wraps around some of the branches, and when all is said and done, it does look beautiful. We sit down on the couch and admire the scene in front of us. When we talk now it feels so natural. I dont feel the strain of anxiety creeping on my neck, or the nerves that twisted my stomach. Now, it just feels normal- safe. We laugh about some of the things that Finnick had described to us in his last letter. Peeta reveals that he is going to the store in the morning to get things to make a big breakfast, and then smiles widely when I beg him to get things to make cinnamon rolls. The smile turns sad though, and my shoulders tense as I worry what is causing him to look that way. 

"Katniss," he whispers, and a chill goes up my spine. His voice went from playful to very serious. "Katniss, I think its time we talked...."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I agreed with Peeta, although a part of me never ever wanted to have this conversation- it was time to have it.  I run to the kitchen and grab a bottle of white liquor from Haymitch's stash. Ill repay him later. I bring two cups with me as i return to the living room and sit next to Peeta on the couch and he pours us two glasses. I fully know that drinking might complicate the convo, but Peeta and I need to talk about brutal things. So we will take the help we can get. 

Where do you even begin. What point in time do you go back to first? Both of us are frozen in this moment. The weight of the reality of this exchange bearing down on us. There is just so much; too much. Before we even begin, i wish it would end. I start to take deep breaths as horrible images flash through my eyes. The arenas, the cells in the capitol, the video of 12 burning to the ground, the men, Peeta's screams.... 

"I'm here," Peeta says softly, and I realize that as I sit here every muscle in my body has tensed to the point of pain. Those thoughts, that past reality will do that to you if you get too deeply into it. Somehow, with him here, i feel no shame in it. In fact I feel relief. I try to keep my breathing steady but it starts to falter and tears start to form. Peeta pulls me in close, and I let him. He holds me as i try to compose myself, and I feel his own tears falling into my hair. Immediately I remember what he said when he first came home, about how he had wanted to be the one to heal with me. About how he had wanted to be the one I turned to. I understand now. I understand the hurt he felt when he realized we didn't return those memories to him. He needed me to heal, and had hoped I would need him.  

 

The tears were necessary. Ever more than could be expected. The grief that we relayed to each other wasn't just that the past had happened, but that we knew they had to bring it up again. That the only way to truly move forward, was to go back. We both wished it was not the case.

As usual, Peeta was the one to start speaking. To his credit, he left the words until the rain had stopped. "I hate that it happened... Katniss I hate so much that it happened," he started. "But I need you to hear something that I know you wont believe, but please for me, trust that I wont lie to you." I nod my head against his shoulder, not a sound escaping my lips. "I believed I would have done anything to be with you, to even get to know you," he says softly, "At one point I would have even said I'd go through all of this again and again if it meant We'd be together. I dont think that anymore." I sit up and look at him then, quizzical as to where he is going. I'd always hated that he'd say he would endure it all again for me, but he had always been so adamant that his statement surprises me.

"Well, I almost don't think that anymore, " he revises and I cant help the laugh that escapes. "What I DO mean," he continues, "Is that I would give up everything, even being with you, to keep you from ever having to endure what you've endured. I'd go back to the first games tomorrow and go through it all again, if it meant you wouldnt have to be there with me. I'd go through it for enternity. I'd give you up to save you."

My breathing is so soft, I don't want even that to disrupt Peeta right now, because as much as I dont deserve what he is saying, I know he is saying his truth and I'm frozen in the intensity of it.

"I remember everything Katniss," he goes on, " I know you dont want me to, but I do and I dont want you hoping for something that isn't there. I remember everything. I remember our stay in the Capitol, Tessa Shade,  the injections, wha-what those monsters put you through..."

I put my head in my hands. The small sliver of hope that I had that Peeta did not remember that detail is obliterated.

  
"I feel... ruined," i say. "They just....took it. And i feel them all the time. I just.... feel ruined." I state again, unable to find a word better than that to describe how i constantly feel.

"You're in no way ruined, youve survived. You've beaten them by surviving. And now, we get a chance to spit on their graves by not just surviving, but living."

I look up at him with warmth radiating from my eyes. He is too good. "What about you Peeta," I ask, "Everything they did to you, i remember all of that too. It was so.. so awful," i stop. I pinch the bridge f my nose and pinch hard so I dont go into a full flashback as images of peeta bloody and broken play behind my eyes.

"It wasn't your fault Katniss..." he starts, and I immediately jump in to correct him; anger now pulsing through my veins.

"Stop.. Peeta. Stop," I demand. Peeta doesnt look at all shocked by my reaction. "I believe you,, when you say you'd go through it all again to let me not have to. I believe you, and it just goes to show that the person you are? That person Peeta? The person who still hugs people and finds the good? That person is s much worthier of that adulation you describe. I dont deserve it, because I am not that person. This was MY fault Peeta. There is no way around that. None." My voice has gone cold as I say the truth that haunts me each night. "I started all of it. everyone is dead because of what i pulled in that arena."

Peeta just looks at me, immense sadness across his face. I avert my eyes. I wont let him pity someone who doesnt deserve it.

"Katniss.... who separated us into 13 districts? Was it you?"

"What?" I ask a little sharply.

"NO, really. Was it you? Did you separate the country? Did you force people to work the mines for no pay?"

"Peeta," I start, trying to get him to stop whatever lane he is going down.

"Katniss! Answer me! Did you do those things? Did you cause the country to starve? Did you hoard money and wealth and let children die in the streets because their own parents had died and no one else could claim them?" He looks livid, and all I can do is stare at him now.

"Did you build the arenas? Did you put children in a cage and force them to murder!? Did you do those things Katniss? Did you create the laws that allowed people to be bought as sex slaves against their will? Did you drop fire bombs on innocent people? Did you kill your father Katniss?"

The silent tears have now dropped. My father. No... no of course I didn't kill my father.

"All you were Katniss," he continues in a hushed whisper, "was an innocent girl who held out a handful of berries. What you did, was give hope to everyone that there was another choice. A way out. You gave people the hope for what we have today, and the courage to dream for what we may have tomorrow."

"No Peeta... NO! I'm not a hero. I'm not this girl you're describing. Even you, when you first got here, you hated me. You were so angry with me... why? Because it IS my fault. All of it." All of a sudden I am exhausted. Ive never noticed how heavy my arms and head were until it becomes impossible to hold them up.

"Have you listened t me at all?" Peeta asks, but its not harsh, he asks it so softly. "Katniss, I just said that I understand everything. That I'd go back and do it a million times if it meant you never had to. I'd give you up, So you wouldn't have those memories."

Memories. I look up at him and I know, that now he does truly understand.

"I'd do anything to save you from them," he says, "and you did everything to save me from them." I nod my head softly. Yes, I think, I tried. I tried so hard to save him from them. "I understand. I'm not mad Katniss, I understand now. I know why you did it. You were trying to save me. Katniss, at the brook, you left me in tears, saying goodbye so you could save me. That IS the person you are. The person you always have been, and the person you always will be. This. Is. Not. Your. Fault."

With that I collapse into him, releasing a breath that I feel as though Ive been holding for decades. He holds me while gently rubbing my shoulders. He doesnt know it, or maybe he does, but in this moment with his forgiveness, he has given me the permission I needed to forgive myself. "I'm sorry Peeta, I'm so so sorry," I weep gently.

"I know, and I'm so sorry too. But we didn't do this Katniss, THEY did. They caused all of this to happen. All the bad? All the deaths? They're not our fault. We did everything to try to help, YOU did everything a person could do to make this world better. It's over now Katniss. The war is over. We dont have to keep punishing ourselves."

Those words echo in my mind. That was what I was doing. Punishing myself. Not letting myself feel anything good, because I didn't think I deserved it. Even though his words make sense, I know I will struggle with that concept for a long time. I dont know if it will ever feel right to truly enjoy things when so many others can't. 

"What do we do now?" I ask.

"We live." He says. "There is nothing left to do but live and heal. Ill have flashbacks, and so will you. But they'll be not nightmares. Never again the truth. Because you changed our truth. You changed the truth for everybody. Everyone who would take that away is dead now Katniss."

"But what about the people who shouldn't be dead!?!" I cry, "What about your family, and my parents, and Prim, and Rue and Thresh, all of the innocent people! What about those people?"

"Especially for those people.... we live."

A few deep breaths later, the smell of the fir tree deep in my nose, and the warmth of the fire that's behind it, I understand. For everyone, for Prim. 

"We live," I say.

"Always."

  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Peeta helped me to my room and into my bed. I'd been too weak, and too tired. when I awake the next morning I'm assaulted by the smells of cinnamon rolls and apple tarts. I can hear even from my room the sizzling of sausages, and I smile. What does Peeta have planned today. I run down the stairs, and I see him in the kitchen running around to all of his dishes. When he turns and sees me he smiles, and I return the most sickeningly happy grin. He forgives me. We will be okay. Haymitch is sitting by the tree holding onto some package wrapped in ribbon. I notice a few packages like that at the base of the tree.

"What are those Peeta?" I ask. He comes over and smiles again as he reaches for the smallest parcel.

"Here," he says, and hands it to me. "Happy Tree Day!"

"Tree Day?" I ask turning the small package over in my hand.

"Ha, yea. It was called something else but I forget. So for now, its tree day. "

I laugh at his childlike happiness at his silly made up holiday. Tree Day it is I suppose, if it will keep him smiling like this.

"Go on," he urges, "open it."

I regard it carefully as I slowly open the gift by undoing the ribbons. Peeta is practically bouncing on his toes with anticipation. Haymitch is sitting by the fire now, equally interested in what could be inside his package.

A reveal a small box and my heart nearly stops when I open it. There, in the center, is a necklace. A long silver chain attached to three small pendants. One is a small pearl, the other a piece of glass that contains a fried out dandelion, and the last one....

"It's a dried primrose..." Peeta whispers.

"Prim," I say softly. I roll the three small tokens in my hand and tears well up in my eyes. I look up at Peeta in amazement. "How?" Is all I can ask.

"Finnick helped me. He lived on the beach and new how to do glasswork and find a pearl. I just... I really wanted you to have this. Exactly this." He says.

I stare at him for a few moments, and as though my magic, suddenly I was up next to him, with my lips firmly planted onto his. At first he is tense at the surprise, but only for a second as he melts against me, with his arms wrapping around my waist. I know very little of kissing, but I could stay in this moment forever and happy.

"Stop!" Haymitch yells, and we jump apart. "For the love of shit, dont do that here.... and I'm opening mine now!"

We pull apart as Haymitch opens his gift, but only a few inches. Our foreheads are together, and Peeta's eyes are intensely looking into mine, his jaw set, and arms wrapped tightly around me. This is.... new- scary. Every kiss we had shared was in preparation of saying goodbye, or a response to loss, or forced by the capitol. This kiss, and how Peeta looks now, feels like its promising more; much more to come. I push myself tightly aginst him, letting him know that I feel the same. He slowly kisses me again, and when he pulls back he looks me up and down and has an almost drunken look about him. It's empowering, in a VERY foreign way. We only look away from each other when we hear Haymitch in the background. He is silently crying, and as if we were his parents we go to him offering comfort. 

"Peeta, I..." he trails off. "Thank you..... thank you," he manages to whisper. 

I see he is holding a small book to his chest, and a small jar in his hand. I'm not sure what they represent, but he is so obviously moved. 

"Anytime," Peeta replies. "I remembered our talks in 13. The stories you told me. I thought you'd like these."

Haymitch stands up and gives him an actual hug with a smile on his face, and I feel even more love towards Peeta. He just has it in him to be able to make everyone happy. It's a gift- HE is a gift. As he goes to sit on the couch, I go to sit with him. I'm practically sitting on his lap just because I want to be as close to him as I can be. I regret that I dont have a gift for him, until I realize that I do.

"Peeta," I say softly. "I love you. I do, I love you," I finish, and I close my eyes as I rest my forehead against his cheek. Peeta will have none of that though as he gently cups my face and lifts it until I am eye to eye with him. His lips are lightly parted, and his brow is creased in amazement. 

"Say it again," he says, and an embarrassed grin takes over my face as I try to look down. Peeta keeps me looking at him, and as I look back at him, with all the confidence and honesty I have in my body, I say, "I love you."

I laugh as Peeta flips me on my back as he assaults my lips, face, and neck with kisses as he practically lays on top of me. I wrap my arms around him tightly and return the affection as best I can. 

"All my life Katniss," he manages, "All my life, I love you." And with that we kiss deeply and I know that neither of us want that moment to end. 

"Ah for fucks sake," Haymitch grumbles, and we cant help laughing. This. This day is everything. This day is the start of the beginning. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An Epilogue is coming- but please please let me know what you think. This story has been a long journey and Ive loved every moment of it, even the hard parts :) Thank you for reading.


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